thelightbrigade's Blog

Trying hard to remind myself that it's over. It's over. It's definitely over.

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rhythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
We'll make this dream come true

Why don't you play the game ?
Why don't you play the game ?

-Daft Punk, Digital Love

I've been so terrified of the real world and namely what I'll be doing once I go into it, but that's all sorted and I can concentrate on enjoying the last of my college career.

I went down to Houston this spring break for an interview and I ended up with my dream job!!
Thought I'd have to work for years building up experience for it but I'm so grateful for this company for taking a chance on me.
(They didn't just give it to me because I smelled pretty guys, that's not what I'm saying. They tested me on my understanding of structural engineering and I guess I passed)
So yeah.
Graduation in two months: check
Job: Check
Certification as an Engineer in Training: One month and counting but hopefully check

Only thing that worries me is I only have about one friend in Houston so I think I'm gonna pick up a side job. As a bartender. For a while. Just to get into the social scene down there and pick up some friends because all my colleagues are far older men and as a 21 year old female, I just don't see us hanging out outside of work anytime soon lol.

Now senioritis is hitting hard. I don't even want to do anything for my classes any longer. I mean if I just stop giving a f**k now, then I'll still pass with a D in all of them. But for the sake of possible graduate school..I'll keep trying a bit.

Ooooh Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets just came on. SCORE!!

It's alllll gooooooood   :)

LALALALALALALLALALALLALALALALALALALA
It's decided.
I'M GRADUATING THIS SPRING!!!!!!!
In fours months I'm contracting SLDs
Student Loan Debt

Well Damn.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

[Chorus]
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

[Chorus]

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away [3x]
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away [4x]

[Chorus]

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

-"Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional

Its been so long since I've heard this song but I woke up and immediately started thinking of the lyrics and I still can't stop. All The Feels!!!!

Welsh...... I'm drunk. But it's in the interest of academia and science or something. I had my beer and wine class today and we did our first wine sampling today and my gosh New Zealand and Chile have some seriously potent stuff. I'm surprised at my ability to type right now.

I love SENIOR YEAR!!

-TheLightBrigade.

It took so long to write all of that out lol. So many instances spell checking to make sure I'm coherent.

This world is a funny world indeed.
And people are hard to suit
The man who plays the picollo
Is a bore to the man with the flute
And often to myself I've thought how lovely it would be
If every person I ever met would simply agree with me

But since they wont
I think the way to make the whole world bright
Is never to mind what others say
And do what I think is right

-Walter Learned


Found this quote in the most unlikely of places today :-)

I am not at all ready for the real world.

I'm graduating in May so I started looking at jobs this afternoon and holy smokes there's so much! I dunno how to even begin! Even if I pick just five companies in 5 cities in america I'll have to do 35 cover sheets.

I plan on doing 10 companies for 10 cities so that's 100 covers. That's for America alone.
Oh dear.

HELP!!

I feel so disoriented, it doesn't even smell right here.
Certainly doesn't feel right ...like that.
Half way up with no idea where to go.
Behind my tonsils detonations are triggered every five seconds
Thankfully will power minimizes most of the damage
If I let go
I might actually, let it all go

All over the floor. Right here at my feet.

Mushroom pizza from Pizza Hut...not such a great idea tonight.

Next time I get the door it's for Dominos.

p.s
they didn't even draw the picture of Beiber I requested on the box!!

:(

The insides melt and run to my fingers
They drip from the pen tip
There runs a numb river
To a burning tounge
There runs a cold thing
To a dry abyss
Into the west I would slide
If it were possible
But the east pulls at me
A blazing sun on my left shoulder
Anchoring me in place
While the rest may fall
Fall fall into an abyss
This will pull it back
This will make me solid
This will make the points
I associate with feelings
Shift back into place.
Although you drip and drizzle although you weep and fizzle
The burning red. The anchor will be all you have
And at no cost can you afford to let it pass

There should be no great battle to find these words
as I lay...as I lay...they spill they spill

no great battle.. my toes feel what they have never felt before.
My fingertips are unsure for this first time
I am thinking before speaking. Not speaking before writing. I am thinking before writing?

My pulse beats rapidly. A ten beat drum to remind me I'm here.
Slow down. Slow down. ten beat, nine beat, eight beat, seven...
what lies after 0.
negative thoughts. don't go that way. Stay on this side of the x-axis
1, 2, 3
speeding up.
speeding up.
I want to just float in 0

I decided to feel a lot today. It was amazing but the rush overpowering...

Just one swell swoop

Not fell.. Not fell swoop. You didn't fall

You swelled and swelled.

Then.

CRASH!!

I don't know what it is about August but magical crazy amaizing things happen this month

I've had more experiences during these first two weeks of the month than I have my last three years in college. Of course this may be in part because I turned 21 on the 1st of the month but a lot more has happened besides my epic night turning 21.

The day after my birthday I woke up at 8 am and proceded to study for my test later that afternoon. I had to wage war with my brain to survive but luckily I never get hang overs. I was still struggling to do basic algebra at times though lol (still aced it with a 93 though. Who says you can't do multi variable calculus the day after turning 21?).

I went to Boston that next day on a random roadtrip with my best friend cuz there was no way I was celebrating at the bars without my big sister. I raided the under ground club scene, tested out the posh upscale bars, and tried a crazy rave. Everything was very fun and there was a bit of illegal activity that I'd never have done before simply because I was too afraid.

Somehow lately I've been unafraid of doing stupid shit though. For example this morning I flew from upstate New York to visit my mom in the south and my flight was at 6 am so how did I spend the night?

Well it started out classy and innocent as could be with a dinner party. I'm sipping wine in a plastic glass (lmao) on my friend's couch wearing freaking basketball shorts and eating dumplings like there's no tomorrow when 20 people show up and we decide we're gonna start playing drinking games..

Meh, flight's in 10 hours, lets do this.

We play such epic rounds of king's cup, salute the govenor, and thumper that we're politely asked by the neighbors to get the fuck out. Alright. Fair enough. Let's go to the party down the street  I mean I have 8 hours left till my flight, tons of time!

I get to the party and it's all my engineering friends so I'm all "fuck it. I own this house" and I get on the pong table and NEVER get off.

It's 2am by now...what to do...what to do...oh okay lets invite the entire party over to the abandoned basket ball court in the suburbs for some midnight b-ball. Girls v Boys and I'm not saying this just cuz I'm a girl but we seriously whooped ass and took names till the cops came by and said there was a noise complaint.

We were just trying to stay out of trouble occifer!

We're leaving the court when this dude runs by and says he can't run carrying all his beers so he wants to leave me his 30 pack. um...kay, I'll help cuz I'm a good samaritan and take that off your hands. We keep walking and there's an unopened bag of solo cups and pong balls chilling next to a tree.

Yes lord? Early morning pong at 3am? well if you insist.

Okay I'll rush over the illegal activites that happened during this next hour of adventure to a house with a suitable pong table cuz....yeah. Okay so we get to the house and we decide, let's save pong for later and go set off a couple of those massive fireworks which rip worlds apart that my friend just happens to own.

This is what happens when you prevent athletic therapy occifer. you put the kids back into the streets and they end up drinking, and skfhkfhashdfm, and setting off fireworks!

We go to the park and find the highest peak and set one off and it's huge and colorful and gorgeous... so let's set another one off. (personal fireworks are illegal in New York by the way)

Just as we're about to set another off the cops have closed in on our location. Seriously squadrons of them. With spotlights following us as we scramble down the hill and away from them. They chase us into the forest where we hide out as they walk by with flashlights, searching for us. Then we book it when they turn away for a moment back to my friend's place for some quick pong after all.

Sadly it's 5am and I need to get checked in for my 6 am flight so I let my most sober and trusted friend drive me to the airport and sleep off the alchohol on my flight, the end!

Oh forgot to say when I got there they upgraded me to first class because of some flight error the previous day so I got to reek of alchohol and droll all over the place next to this really rude and snotty old woman for a couple hours. So much foot and elbow room for activities and all the snacks in the world. I was so happy!

I can't wait for what the rest of this month brings. I just hope I wont accumulate many fines for indecent behavior.

Okay. That's truly the end now.

I've been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately. I mean everything's going according to plan with life mostly but I'm just...blah...so tired of all the blah.

But the sky looks amazing today. I can actuallly see sunlight. A rare occurence in upstate

And I'm just ready.
I got my second wind.
And now I'm all excited to finish this year off with dignity. I'm pumped and ready for the next four weeks of pain.

I'm unbelievably excited right now.
I may have gotten an excellent internship.
My playlist is fuckin amazingness, all this homework is gonna be a piece of cake with elvis to help me with it.
The roomate's out of the room so I can crank the tunes and dive into a world of math right now without feeling inconsiderate.

Is it sad how excited I am to have the room to myself to study? lol.

Making moves people,making moves.
even the pet turtle agrees with me :)

I feel like I'm on this precipice and it's make it or break it, do or die time. I've graduateed from more than school, I'm growing up and people are starting to notice.

Signs we're not in Kansas anymore:
1) Grown men are taking interest in me
2) People come to me for advice because I have experience and knowledge of this world
3) I've become someone's role model.
4) Mommy's not paying the bills anymore

I'm just 19 and it's time to set the tone for the rest of my life, I have to grind my teeth and bear with it as I lay the foundations down cuz that's always the hardest part of life.

This is so tough.

But I'm determined. Not just for me. For my family too. I need to give them something to be proud of for once in their lives. Someone to depend on without feeling so guilty afterward. For my Homeland so I can improve our sonditions and put us on the map again.

Things I need to do:
1) Stay in college
2) Get good grades
3) Get an internship
4) Find inner peace with myself
5) Learn to view the world from rose colored lenses again
6) Have fun while my body permits it
7) Shed my posessive spirit towards material objects
8) Welcome love in again compeltely
9) Visit a new foreign land at least every two year and learn what they have to offer the world
10) Discover a new method to create buildings/structures naturally

Alright, I realise some of these goals are a bit impossible to most people but I truly believe they are achievable. I've conquerd every goal I've ever set for myself before so nothing's stopping me now. Great, I've got the game plan down. Let's see how  I do